Arteriosclerosis, please.

You know, I love food. Did you know that?

I would hope that if you read this frequently enough that you'd get the drift.

I was thinking to myself, probably in my bed, about how much I love mac 'n cheese. The next thought was about how much I love bacon. So the next thought was naturally an equation (blame it on being a science major):

Homemade Mac 'n Cheese + Bacon = Heaven

Literally, heaven. Because of the taste, but also due to the fact that I would die from arteriosclerosis. For those of you who aren't aware of what that disease is, it's the hardening of your arteries. The arteries harden and clog to the point where no blood can flow through and you consequently die.

I was ready to die. Or move seductively closer to death. Maybe sway over. I'll leave that up to you.

While the mac 'n cheese sauce is always super important, people tend to overlook the kind of pasta. Elbows, always friggin elbows. I think AngryBFlay, one of my favorite Twitter accounts, puts it perfectly.

[twitter]

Why can't we expand our noodle horizons? What's wrong with using penne? Spiral macaroni? Tortellini? Why not push the metaphorical envelope and dive into the realm of potato pasta? Why not use gnocchi?

Oh, gnocchi. The densest pasta I've ever eaten. It looks like fat maggots but tastes like pasta. It's also relatively expensive, but I will say that you will be full for days. You benefit greatly from gnocchi, in the stomach and heart. It will also guarantee to weigh you down to the point that you cannot physically move for a few hours/days. When you say that you're having gnocchi for dinner all I hear is, "I'm planning on watching movies all day and not being ashamed about it and then falling asleep three hours later and it will be glorious."

And glorious, it is. Gnocchi turns the average person into a sloth, and turns a sloth into a sea cucumber. So with this thought, I wondered how this magically filling pasta would fare in mac 'n cheese. My mind naturally went to another equation:

Homemade Mac 'n Cheese + Bacon + Gnocchi = 

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

Take it from my friggin hand. I called my doctor and informed him of what I would be making. He told me that I would die if I consumed it. I called the casket company down the street and arranged for a discount funeral package in case I got too hungry and ate to my death.

I was ready to perish for this meal.

Trust me when I say that this is a dish worth dying over. Or at least risking your life. Want to make it for your very own? Let me show you, child.

The first thing you're going to need to do is boil the gnocchi. They'll plump up a bit and slightly resemble maggots. 

Once it's all warmed up, throw some butter in a pan and fry that up. It should be crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside. Like most delicious things.

Salivation Meter: Noticeable amount of drool escaping from mouth. Trouble forming coherent sentences from all of the saliva pooled up.

Once all of your gnocchi is sufficiently crispy, you can start focusing on other things (if possible). Melt butter and flour together to make a roux.

Once you've got that all together, add your milk. It is now the time to glance over at that cheese you bought. It better be only Extra Extra Sharp Cheddar or we've got some problems. Chunk those blocks up.

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?

Salivation Meter: At the sight of cheddar cheese, drool resembles a small waterfall. The velocity of the flow is 2 m/s.

Add that beautiful cheese in and let it melt. Let the warm milk seduce it. Just let it happen. Stir it around to get the sauce going. Salt and pepper the final product to make sure it tastes perfect. Feel free to add in some hot sauce if that's your thing (it's certainly mine).

Then you'll want to grab a slab of bacon and casually place it on the cutting board.

Then accidentally chop it up.

Whoops.

Then accidentally fry it.

SORRY NOT SORRY.

Salivation Meter: With the aroma of fried bacon and the sight of homemade cheese sauce, the mouth resembles Niagara Falls. The velocity of the flow is 50 m/s.

Once your bacon is fried and you somehow manage to not consume all of it, put it on some paper towels. Take the gnocchi and pop that in a bowl with the bacon.

Hello there.

Pour that beautiful cheese sauce into that bowl. Use a little more than you usually would, the gnocchi will soak up the sauce. As if this could get any better.

Pour that into a baking dish and throw that beautiful creation into a 350 degree oven until it's golden brown.

Hello, beautiful.

Scoop it out immediately and eat as much as your body allows. Be sure to hook yourself up to a blood pressure monitor just to be safe. And if you downed some cholesterol meds, blood thinners, HBP medication, and maybe a Prozac for good measure you should be fine. Maybe. You know what, just have a person who is CPR certified in the room when you eat this. Excellent.