Sleep Deprivation Leads to Scary Things.

The title says enough, people.

Dear God, I feel like I haven't slept at all this weekend. I can't stress this enough, but I'm a grandma deep down inside.  All I need to is learn how to knit.

Just give me some needles and let me at it.
[via notsoboringworld]

When you're working all the time, you get home and sleep is the first thing on your mind.  Is that just me...oh.  Wow.  Well, I can't stop thinking about sleep.  If I was a dwarf, I think we all know who I'd be.

Basically.
[via disney-clipart]

But there are reasons why I got the less-than-normal amount of sleep this weekend.  Kids, I actually did things.  Congratulate me, please.  I know, I know.  And being social involves me staying up past 9:00 pm.  It was worth it though.  Naturally, I made something to bring.

Guess what I made.

Guess.  Please?

Alright, I'll tell you.  But only because you asked.  I made Chicken Wing Dip.


Oh baby.  I could literally eat that stuff until the end of the earth.  It's so horrible for you, but sometimes you need to sacrifice your own well-being to eat delicious food.

This man does it on a daily basis.
[via googleimages]

With that being said, I ventured on my culinary quest.  I literally whipped this baby up, because I just got out of work and I had to be at my friend's house in an hour.  So I apologize about the picture quality.

Oh and before we get deep in this food business, I have an announcement.  Instant thought blogging.  I don't plan what I write, it just flows out like magic.  Yeah, that's right.

Back to my tangent.  So about a month ago, I decided that it was finally time to get a pair of Converse sneakers.  And with the amount of money I'm making this summer, obviously they needed to be custom built. Pardon me for trying to live a lavish lifestyle every now and then.  But I designed them and I am in love.  

Aren't they beautiful?  I did a rather simple design.  Purple on the outside, teal on the inside.  Matching teal stitching and a purple rubber line to go with the sidewall.  Magical.  

Oh I don't know if you noticed the bottom of the shoe right there, but I got my name on the shoe.  Mostly so when I throw then up to do drug deals in the streets, I can easily find the sneakers.  After all, the last thing I would want after a hard day of dishin' out the goods is to put on my kickass shoes and stroll on home.

I really like them.  They're a little bright, but WHATEVER.  I love them and that's all that matters.  

BACK TO THE STORY.

Chicken Wing Dip (chicck-in wee-nguh d-ee-puh): Synonyms include magic, perfection, divinity, proof of God's existence, artery clogger, etc.

Basically, this stuff is wonderful.  And I'm going to teach you ladies and gents how I make mine.  Now, this is really a privilege for me to give out this recipe.  But I'm doing it because five people read this, so I'm not very concerned.  

ALRIGHT.  Let's do this.

Boil some chicken up.  Trim off the fat before boiling, pop the chicken in the water and turn the heat on.  Add a good amount of poultry seasoning, salt and pepper to the chicken.  Also, pour a dash of white vinegar in there.  When the chicken is cooked, take it out and shred it.  Now, I know a ton of people cube their chicken.

Do you want to know why they cube it? It's because people that cube their chicken are lazy.  

LAZY. Trust me when I say that shredding the chicken is a MILLION times better.  Every bite is chicken.  

Bkaw! CHICKEN.  Mmm. Oh sporadic thoughts.  Cluck. Cluck. Cluck. 

So once the chicken is shredded, pop it in a bowl.

It already tastes incredible.

Here's where it gets a little cuckoo.  But NOT for Cocoa Puffs.  Depending on how many chicken breasts you have, my general rule is for every breast, you should use 1/3 of a brick of cream cheese.

Take whatever amount of cream cheese you deem necessary and cube it up.  And then we get a little weird.  Melt it in a pan.  Until the cream cheese is completely liquid.

Melty melty melt.

Once it's cream cheese liquid, stir it into the chicken until it's well coated.  It kinda looks gross at this point, so I'll save you an image. 

Next step is to take ranch dressing and hot sauce.  Mix an even ratio into a bowl and add salt and pepper.  Add more hot sauce to taste.  Pour it into the chicken and mix it in.

Mmm.  Here's where your arteries begin to close and your heart begins to stop.  But this is also the point in this process when your mouth begins to drool uncontrollably.  UNCONTROLLABLY.

Take some shredded sharp cheddar.  Take a handful of it and throw it in the mix.  A generous handful.  You should pretend you're Sultan Kosen {the man who happens to possess the world's largest hands}.  Do the same thing over again, only this time switch it up and use shredded mozzarella.

Stir the mass amount of cheese in and put it in a baking dish.  Take more cheese and cover the dip.  Mmm.  Cheese.

Cover it with foil and bake it until the cheese on top begins to melt.  Then take the foil off and broil that delicious dip until the cheese is bubbly and golden brown.  

Currently residing in my tummeh.

So I brought this perfect dish to my friend's house and it was promptly devoured.  We all spent the night laughing around a bonfire, telling stories about our childhoods and college.  I supervised the creation of a whirlpool and literally gorged myself on my dip, pizza, cookies, and everything else horrible.  But it's okay.  I also fell in love with an adorable puggle named Lucy.  

And my lovely friend Kim gave me some kickass henna.

[via kim's incredible mind]

But I was yawning at 9:00 at night.  And we were all there until about 1:00am.  Yeah.  Pure torture was what it was, folks.  Don't get me wrong, I had a great time, but I was beat.  So when I hit the floor to go to sleep, I was OUT.  I guess I petted my friend in the night.  Obviously I thought she was Gary.  Get at me.

So on Friday night, I would say that I got a solid five hours of sleep.  Compared to my usual nineteen, this put me off.  

And then yesterday afternoon, Gary's momma came over.  She's staying for the weekend and it's awesome.  You see, Gary and his mom (Star) are basically the same exact dog.  

They both jump up on the counter to steal food.  When they're together, they tag-team and share the profit.

They both demand to sleep under the blankets regardless of outside temperature.

They both eat ice cubes like they're going out of style.

And they both look incredibly alike.  If Gary was the same color as Star, I swear that he would just be a skinny version of her. 

Don't believe me?

Here's Gary:

And here's Star:

And here are both of them together:

And let me tell you, sleeping with both of those pups is a CHORE.  They're both bed hogs and they both want to sleep in the same damn spots.  We started off in my room with a queen bed.  I thought that would be fine.

THEY HAD OTHER PLANS.

They must've known there was a guest room downstairs with a king sized bed.  They effing worked together to make it so uncomfortable for me to sleep in my own bed that the only solution would be more mattress.

Those damn dogs got their wish.  We moved downstairs and they settled into the bed.  This mattress is significantly less comfortable than mine, so my back was in pain almost instantaneously.  Not to mention that is was quite muggy and there is no air conditioning in the guest room.  So I opened the windows and turned the fan on.

I should've known something was up when out of dead slumber, both of the dogs popped their heads up.

God damn.  The fan brought in the fresh air from outside.  But the air had an odd stench.  A SKUNK was around and you could tell that it had just sprayed.

Stinky bastards.
[via discovery]

The room filled with skunk smell.  I blacked out.  I wish that last sentence was true.  While I didn't black out, my olfactory nerves went nuts.  

After that fiasco calmed down, I turned off the lights and all effing hell broke loose.  We had an expanse of bed to choose from.  But those dogs couldn't decide where they wanted to sleep.  When they did, my body was contorted to fit around the dogs.  

I was all Cirque du Soleil.  Needless to say, sleep was nil last night.  Dear lord.

Me, from about midnight to 8am.
[via lesdamesflexibles]

So I've been all crazy sauce today.  This is what no sleep does to me.  It turns me into a lunatic.  So I think to conclude this post, I am going to clearly state that I am promptly going to sleep.  In my own bed.  With probably one dog.  Or none.  But I'm alright with that this time around.