Burnt Rubber Smells Like Shee-it.

What a week it has been, kids.  And the weekend has only brought more festivities.

But this is not about my weekend.  That will be the next post (trust me, you don't want to miss out on that one).

This, is about my Wednesday and Thursday evenings.  Because let me tell you, they are more eventful than yours.  Probably.  Unless you're a famous movie actor going to every screening in Hollywood.

Or the minions in Despicable Me.  They're actually really busy all the time.
[via lindsayhumbert]

So let's chat about my Wednesday.  As usual, I was waking with the sunrise at 6 in the damn morning, knowing what the day was holding.  I've said this a million times, but I work at a car rental place.  Well, to increase business, obviously the best idea was to host a car show.  On a Wednesday.  Planning this thing was a fiasco.

Actually, fiasco is an understatement.  But in the end, everything turned out great.  About two hundred cars came out, and we somehow ran business as usual.

So I clocked in on that morning at 8:00.  Bitches, I clocked out at 9:45pm.  That's one long-ass day.  I volunteered to take pictures, but ended up running the registration booth.  And when you're registering 200 cars, picture time suffered.

But I did manage to snag a few.

"Ooh, aah"

"OOH, AAH."

"OOOH AHH OOOH AHH EVE THIS IS AWESOME."

"HOLY JESUS I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY WEDDING PICTURES."


Listen, if you really want me to take your wedding pictures, contact me for further information.  Anywho, all in all it was pretty good.  I walked away with 4.5 hours of overtime, a belly full of Dinosaur Bar-B-Que's pulled pork, and an awkward sunburn.

So I would rate my car show experience 56 out of 70 sumo wrestlers.  Until the damn burnouts started.  Have you ever smelled burning rubber?

Have you ever been immersed in a cloud of road smog and vaporized rubber and fire?


Huh? Huh? Because it's pretty damn miserable.

DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU.
[via corvetteconti]

The smell.  That smelly smell that smells...smelly.

Shoutout to Mr. Krabs.

Oh my god I can't even being to describe how horrible a burnout cloud smells.  But just think.  Two hundred cars...one burnout cloud for each.

Math time, folks.

200 x 1 = ? Think. Think. THINK.


That's 200 burnout clouds for you non-math wizards out there.  Two hundred times the nasty-ass smell of one burnout cloud.

I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

But anywho, after the quick clean up, I headed home and fell right asleep.  Then woke up the next day to go right back to work.

Dedication is what you could call that.  And monetary motivation.  I know you're impressed with that alliteration I just pulled off.

Thursday brought on a new beast.  Something enjoyable, yet full of work.  Something that does not allow Eve to relax after working for 8 hours.

I was paid to cater for a party.  My coworker couldn't find the time to make food for a grad party she was bringing a few dishes to, so she paid me to do it.

After work, I whipped up 4 dozen cupcakes and frosted them rainbow style.

Oh yeah.

But I also created something else.  Chicken riggies.  Ever heard of it?  Well let me tell you right now, it's effing delicious.  Pasta perfection.  Spicy yet creamy.  Tomato-y yet cheesy.  Mmm.  And honestly, this was one of the best batches I've ever made.  

It always happens that way.  You make the best food you've ever made and you can't even eat any of it.  MY life is just full of sorrow.  Cheesy, tomato-y sorrow.

But lucky for you, kids I feel super guilty for now blogging in a week.  So I will shareith my culinary ways with thee.  This always seems to happen, but I never take pictures of the end product anymore.  So use your imagination for the end.  

Oh, and refrain your salivary glands from overloading.

Now remember that this batch was made for like 30-40 people.  But the basic ratio is this:

1 [stick of butter] :1[white onion] :1[can of crushed tomatoes] :1/2 [cup of heavy cream] :3/4 [pound of pasta] :1[pound of chicken]

I just think this is the best way to do it, but there are definitely variations. 

So let's get started.

Throw the butter in a pot and melt it.  

You should know that any base with butter will be sheer perfection.

While that's turning into butter soup, take your onion and chop it into thick-ish ribbons.  Make them thin.  You'll notice that later in the game, most of those onions will basically melt into the sauce.  It's magical.

Okay it looks kinda gross, but this ugly duckling will turn into a beautiful swan.  So beautiful.

Cook them on medium heat until the onions start to soften.  Add in some red pepper flakes. Add as many as you want.  I usually start off with a few just to get the spice going and add more in later on when the sauce is almost finished.  Because you can always add more later, you can never take it out, ya dig?

While you're at it, throw some salt and pepper in there too.  Oh and like 6 cloves of minced garlic.

Pound down some chicken breasts and salt and pepper them.  Cook 'em up and let them cool.

While the chicken's cooking, open up the can(s) of crushed tomato and add it into the onion soup.

Oh baby.

This is when your patience comes into play.  This needs to reduce significantly.  Until it's about 3/4 of it's original volume.  This was when I made my cupcakes.  But this is when you can boil your pasta!

I know, I'm a genius.

Get that water boilin' and once it is, slap some salt in there and throw in your pasta.  Preferably penne.

Mama mia!

Get that pasta all cooked and whatnot.  Al dente if you will.  Actually, it's probably best to undercook it slightly if you plan on baking this after it's all said and done (highly recommended).

This sauce took a good two hours to reduce.  If you make a smaller portion, the reduction time is reduced (ha!).  So keep stirring it and staring at it lovingly until it's thick and delicious.  Make sure you taste the sauce while it's reducing so it's perfect.  If it's not spicy enough just pop some more red pepper flakes in there.

Note how it's a lot thicker and there's less of it.  Evaporation: 1  Sauce: 0

If it's too acidic or tomato-y, slap some brown sugar in there.

If it's too sweet, throw some salt in the sauce.

If it's too red and regular looking, throw in some heavy cream.  Who does regular anymore? No one.  So be a nonconformist and throw in some heavy cream into your reduced tomato sauce.

You're going to want to put enough cream in there to make it a beautiful sunset orange.  Like something that you see on the paint samples at Home Depot.  I mean, it's not a color meant for a dining room accent wall or anything, but there's a certain orange hue you should aim for so you know you've made the best sauce known to mankind.

Pumpkin or sunset.  I'm not sure which is the better descriptor.

Take this sauce to make sure it's creamy and spicy and sweet and tomato-y and wonderful.  If you followed my damn instructions, you should have nailed it right on the head.  And just to make it that better, we're going to do a little imagining here.

Pretend that your sauce is an ocean.  A pumpkin-colored ocean with butter currents and pepper flake fish and onion seaweed.  Pretend for me, please.  Out of the depths of this ocean, a source of heat is creating something that we humans are not yet aware.  Out of this ocean forms an underground volcano.

And out of this volcano forms Parmesan Cheese Island.  The first of the islands in this untouched ocean.

Nature always creates perfection.

Stir that mountain of cheese in the sauce and it should taste divine.  I'm not kidding you.  Pure magic.

Once you've got your pot of magnificence ready, cube up that cooked chicken, mix it with the pasta and toss the sauce in there.

Be liberal with the sauce.  You want it all to be absorbed in the noodles and chicken.

If you want to go the extra mile, slap some mozzarella cheese on there and bake it.  Best dinner ever.