Be Afraid. Be VERY Afraid.

I mentioned in one of my very first posts that I know a lot about nothing.  And today kids, I will exemplify that.  I want to tell you about something that is very near and dear to my heart, something I think every damn person on this planet should be aware of.

Folks, we're going to talk about camel spiders.

I'm just going to start this off by saying that I hate spiders more than I hate cotton balls. I would RATHER be trapped in a room of cotton balls than experience the sensation of eight hairy tarantula legs crawling on bare skin.

Sweet baby Jesus I can't even look this without wanting to cry.
[via popfi]

GROSSGROSSGROSSGROSSGROSSGROSSGROSS.


I can handle a lot, guys.  But spiders bring out the girl in me.  This one time in my dorm at college, a giant spider was hiding under my hairdryer without my knowledge.  I picked up my dryer to put it away and the spider was exposed.  I screamed so loud, I'm pretty sure the walls shook.  Also, my roommate had to kill it.  She's never looked at me the same...

THE THING WAS HUGE, OKAY?
[via smartartsychicks]

Back to the task at hand.  CAMEL SPIDERS.

Dear lord.  If you think spiders are terrifying, prepare to pee yourself.  Prepare to do more than pee.  Because these things are one of the scariest creatures out there.

It's like God saw us all and thought to himself, "LOL, let's make them cry."

AND CRY WE DID.  I hope you're happy, God.

I hope you like seeing orphans cry.  Because they would if one of these crawled on them.
[via camel-spider.net]

It's just a big-ass spider, right?

ROFLCOPTER. 


Your naivety makes me laugh.

They live in the desert for the most part, so here in the Northeast where deserts are few and far between, this is comforting.  I would hate to grow up somewhere like here and join the military, be shipped off to the Middle East and have to battle these mofos.  Hell to the no.

But they are really really common in the Middle East.  I feel bad for our troops who wake up and see one of those scurrying across the sand...

Eve's Spider Camel Knowledge
1. Camel spiders are nocturnal.  If you don't know what nocturnal is, go back to the damn second grade.  Seriously.  So for those who know, spider camels hunt at night.  Yes they hunt.  Yes they're predators.  They hate the sunlight (probably because they sparkle like the Twilight vampires and if they were exposed to the world, it would ruin their tough reps).  This means that if you're a soldier looking for something and you look under a rock and you find a camel spider under there, prepare for the worst.  The spider will chase your shadow.  Did you read that?! The spider will chase you for damn shade.  If necessary, it will burrow underneath you until the sun sets.


2. Camel spiders are fast mofos.  Remember how they will chase your shadow? Well they'll successfully chase it, because they can run up to 10 mph.  And they can run 10 mph for a good while.

Picture is to scale. Unfortunately.
[via lamen-x]

3. Camel spiders have very special venom.  You know how when you get a bug bite, you feel the sting and pain depending how bad it is?  Oh well the camel spider considered that when evolving.  And it was all like, "If our victims can't feel us nom-nom-noming, then we can eat more!" Smart, camel spiders.  Very smart.  In their venom, there is a special anesthetic property, meaning that when they bite you, they basically inject novocain in you.  Awesome!

So if you're a soldier in Afghanistan and you've had a long-ass day of roaming around the desert, you just want to go to sleep.  So you cozy into your sleeping bag and drift off into a pleasant slumber.  Unfortunatley for you, a camel spider (searching for shade) crawled into your sleeping bag in the middle of the day because something knocked over the rock it was taking shelter.  And while it had fresh meat there, it decided to feast on your delicious calloused foot while you dreamt about unicorns.

They poop marshmallows, you know.
[via Smosh]

Now that was hypothetical, but there are plenty of stories about camel spiders that would make me pee my damn pants repeatedly.

Dear God.

Camel spider bites are NASTY.  Trust me, I've googled it.  I won't put one of those pictures up here, but if you're curious I'm pretty sure you know how to find the pictures.  Just don't eat before you do it, they take a strong stomach.

Camel spiders are no joke, people.  Be careful out there.